Dear Husband

[The following is based on this post by Suprema 106.3FM]

DEAR HUSBAND: 

I write this letter to manifest that I decided to leave you, for the good of us.

I have been a good woman these past seven years; however, I can't come up with anything good that has happened to me.
These last two weeks have been hell: your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was the last straw I could take.

Last week you came home and didn't say anything about my new haircut or my new manicure; I prepared your favorite dish and I even wore new lingerie.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the soccer game.

You don't say "I love you" anymore, you no longer touch me or anything. Either you are cheating on me with another woman or you no longer love me. Whatever the case may be, I want to leave, I'm abandoning you.

P.S.: Don't try to search for me...
Your brother and I are moving to "Entre Rios" together.

I wish you have a good life.
Your ex-wife.

RESPONSE...

Dear Ex-wife:

Nothing would have bring me more joy than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married 7 years; however, this doesn't mean that you have been a good wife. Au contraire.

I watch a lot the soccer matches to try and drown all the bore that your constant complaints and bad attitudes cause me. It's sad that our marriage didn't work because I loved you. I did noticed you had a new haircut, and the first thing that came to mind was: "She looks like a man!!!" However, my mother taught me that if I can say anything good about someone, it's better to not say anything at all.

When you prepared my favorite food, you must have mistaken me for my brother because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
I went to sleep when you wore that lingerie because the price tag was still attached to it. I prayed asking it was a coincidence that my brother asked me for a $500 loaned that same morning and the tag from your lingerie said $499.

Even after all of this, because I still loved you, I felt that we could still work it out. That's why when I discovered that I have won the $2.5 million lotto, I quit my job to have all the time for you. I even bought two tickets to Europe; but when I got home, you had already left...

Everything occurs for a good reason, I believe.
I wish you have the life you always wanted.

My attorney says that because of the letter that you left me, you will not get even a cent from me.
So, take care of yourself.

P.S.: I'm not sure if I ever told you this before, but my brother, Carlos, at birth, her name was Carla. I trust that this won't be an issue since the implant she got looks so real.