The following post contains random thoughts and views regarding the state of being with oneself and one's mental health. This might go on in circles, and not make much sence... MIGHT, you've been warned.
Thus far, 2010 has bee a great year. Putting a foot out the door and spreading my horizons had been coming stronger nowadays.
One of the most remarkable aspects of the year is the opportunity to take on the adventure of making new friends. Though it is not easy for me given my condition. But an adventure nonetheless.
This adventure takes place mostly at school, and at a faith-sharing group that I recently have been active. Let's focus on this group, we shall call it.. let's see, oh YES! We shall call it "LIWANAG"
Liwanag feels like a second family to me, one that would not judge you but instead welcome you with open arms. Though this is not my first "second family" that I've been part of... it sure exceeds my previous ones; that for some complications from 'administration' I will limit my acknowledgements towards them. Long story short, some students (which class I subbed ONCE) didn't appreciate my being there, leading them into conspiracy to rumor an accusation about this volunteer (namely I). A rumor that got poorly taken care of leaving me in linger, hanging on a cliff, and nobody tried to help me up the cliff... ignored. Consequently, I was let go, alone into the darkness of the abyss, fell to the deep emptiness that is despair. And the ripple took effect, one mishandle of one let to another for someone else, and thus it begins the dismantling of the family that first welcomed me with open arms. I will miss the "Guiding Light" days. They helped me become more outgoing... for I was shy.
Liwanag has since received this humble servant with open arms. Though at first it was as being put yet again on the table to be dissected. In the beginning, I had the support of my fellow GL'ers (but as the complications turned south, I was being included less and less on gatherings and get-togethers, even from outside 'official' activities); later I would see myself a loner... looking for retribution, often times felt the glares and glances of disapproval by the regulars. I was an OUTCAST.
It only took a handful of people, now moved on with their lives, to give me the strength needed to make effort to continue and make haste to a Liwanag gathering. Their efforts were kindhearted and I will never forget their heart of gold. Thanks to them, I would fill myself with brave thoughts and take that first step, and the next, and the next after that, and all the way to where I currently am.
In the last couple of years, it has been rocky at times... but who has it easy these days? I didn't let the woes and tribulations hold me back, though there were times where I gave up and let them take the best of me. I kept fighting for my right to strengthen my faith and self esteem, broaden my network and get to know amazing individuals. Hasn't been easy lately, for my brain is decaying, I can feel it, ... my ability to retain information is one of the fades most notorious.
Which affects not only myself, but also those I engage with, meaning that I can't retain information that links us together. I would forget your name, and details like that. It makes meeting people all too exciting...
I would often engage in conversation with someone I just met (seemingly familiar in my head) as if we've known each other for a while now. And then there are times when I would encounter someone from my most recent past, and introduce myself leading with a "great to meet you..."
All in all, this is yet one of my favorite side effects from this mental condition I have. In the hopes of making long-lasting friends, I will keep moving forward despite the woes, tribulations and adversities that the world has yet to present me with. Meeting new people, making great friends, building life-long relationships... the blessing that come from a dark experience, all to help me build and strengthen my faith. THANK YOU for sticking around and being the friend you are.
I LOVE YOU ALL!